Friday, May 7, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Acceptance and Change
Acceptance can be a very powerful approach or mindset to deal with suffering. It is not always about self-acceptance but overall acceptance of the way things are. This is a very Buddhist philosophy but a philosophy for anyone to adopt. The paradox in this philosophy is that once you fully accept your life, your self, and your situation, you can begin to change it.
It can be a real paradigm shift or internal shift, to understanding and implementing acceptance of negative feelings such as anxiety, depression/sadness, and pain. We usually don't realize that the very fight to keep these feelings at bay once we have them is the bigger problem and what aggravates it more.
Stephen Batchleor, in his book Buddhism Without Beliefs, covers this concept quite well. He writes, "In yearning for anguish to be assuaged in such ways, we reinforce what creates anguish in the first place: the craving for life to be other than it is. We find ourselves spinning in a vicious circle. The more acute the anguish, the more we want to get rid of it, but the more we want to get rid of it, the more acute it gets." It is hard to get a sense of this by just understanding it intellectually. We actually need to try this out and see what it feels like experientially in the moment of our battle with anguish. Other authors, such as Cheri Huber, explain that suffering is optional. Pain is inevitable but fighting that pain is what creates suffering as well as needing that moment to be different than it is. Continuing to want Blue to be Red could get pretty miserable.
The area where I differ from Buddhism in some ways is that I do believe you have choice to change but that you do need to accept the moment as it is to know what to change and where to go. Some Buddhists might agree with this but others would say that only accepting the moment is serenity and as soon as you want it different you are craving and attaching. I agree with other authors, such as Carl Rogers, who describe the paradox of change: once you fully accept your self and your situation, you will then be able to change what you want. This is not always easy but the balance and the friction of life that makes it all the worthwhile.
It can be a real paradigm shift or internal shift, to understanding and implementing acceptance of negative feelings such as anxiety, depression/sadness, and pain. We usually don't realize that the very fight to keep these feelings at bay once we have them is the bigger problem and what aggravates it more.
Stephen Batchleor, in his book Buddhism Without Beliefs, covers this concept quite well. He writes, "In yearning for anguish to be assuaged in such ways, we reinforce what creates anguish in the first place: the craving for life to be other than it is. We find ourselves spinning in a vicious circle. The more acute the anguish, the more we want to get rid of it, but the more we want to get rid of it, the more acute it gets." It is hard to get a sense of this by just understanding it intellectually. We actually need to try this out and see what it feels like experientially in the moment of our battle with anguish. Other authors, such as Cheri Huber, explain that suffering is optional. Pain is inevitable but fighting that pain is what creates suffering as well as needing that moment to be different than it is. Continuing to want Blue to be Red could get pretty miserable.
The area where I differ from Buddhism in some ways is that I do believe you have choice to change but that you do need to accept the moment as it is to know what to change and where to go. Some Buddhists might agree with this but others would say that only accepting the moment is serenity and as soon as you want it different you are craving and attaching. I agree with other authors, such as Carl Rogers, who describe the paradox of change: once you fully accept your self and your situation, you will then be able to change what you want. This is not always easy but the balance and the friction of life that makes it all the worthwhile.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Self-Acceptance
Graduate school, the general counselling community, and summarization of client-centered therapy/theory does not do Carl Rogers' original writings and philosophies much justice. Further, reading him alone makes one feel more free to be themselves, allowing others to do the same. I believe his philosophy to actually be quite deep in equating human growth to that of any organism, always growing to optimal strength. As practitioners we often throw around, "oh, i'm definitely client centered" while not realizing when we impose our own beliefs, needs, and wishes for the client, our family, or our friends. I do not believe we need to stay impartial all the time and part of being authentic and genuine (as Rogers champions) is to express our thoughts, feelings, and opinions. It is how we do this - can we do it without needing the client or others to adopt and embrace for growth? Not always easy and the ways in which we do this can often be very subtle.
For those of us looking to grow and change, whether it be clients in therapy, therapist in their own lives, or any other person seeking happiness and contentment, we must accept ourselves. What does this look like? Well, I would encourage anyone to notice how judgemental you are throughout the day toward yourself and others. This creates a need to be perfect as well. We might want to change things about ourselves but we also need to accept those things as well. Growth is paradoxical in that we must balance acceptance and change in order to change. We are the only species or organism that dislikes itself at times throughout one's life. We look outside ourselves for acceptance and reassurance that we are good and okay. We rely on others to confirm our value.
It takes a real shift in thinking and being to experience the stance of only relying on our own positive opinion of ourselves. Once we experience this shift it is a whole different way of being with ourselves and others. It is a "shift" in our being equal to plate tectonics for the earth. This does not mean we do not take feedback, we just don't allow that to define us. We usually overgeneralize others' feedback to mean way more about who we are than is necessary or even logical.
Life is about constantly being reminded of this and coming back to ourselves and being okay,. not allowing others' opinions, feelings, thoughts, and projections to define us and change our own natural organismic way of inherent acceptance.
For those of us looking to grow and change, whether it be clients in therapy, therapist in their own lives, or any other person seeking happiness and contentment, we must accept ourselves. What does this look like? Well, I would encourage anyone to notice how judgemental you are throughout the day toward yourself and others. This creates a need to be perfect as well. We might want to change things about ourselves but we also need to accept those things as well. Growth is paradoxical in that we must balance acceptance and change in order to change. We are the only species or organism that dislikes itself at times throughout one's life. We look outside ourselves for acceptance and reassurance that we are good and okay. We rely on others to confirm our value.
It takes a real shift in thinking and being to experience the stance of only relying on our own positive opinion of ourselves. Once we experience this shift it is a whole different way of being with ourselves and others. It is a "shift" in our being equal to plate tectonics for the earth. This does not mean we do not take feedback, we just don't allow that to define us. We usually overgeneralize others' feedback to mean way more about who we are than is necessary or even logical.
Life is about constantly being reminded of this and coming back to ourselves and being okay,. not allowing others' opinions, feelings, thoughts, and projections to define us and change our own natural organismic way of inherent acceptance.
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